Ask Jayfeather
by PikaBolt101
Summary: The same old grumpy, stick-loving Jayfeather's back, now with his own show! You can ask him anything you'd like, and watch him and his cameracat Lionblaze try to answer whatever questions you guys throw at him! -CLOSED/DISCONTINUED-
1. Intro

"Lionblaze, just hold it!"

"I'm trying! It keeps wobbling!"

"Argh, then get some tape! I can't have a shaking camera for the show!"

"If you just want me to use tape, what's the point of me actually being here?"

"Shush, the audience is here!"

* * *

A grey tabby tom walks out from the side of the room and pads to the center, where a smooth-surfaced dark brown desk rests with a black leather chair behind. The cat leaps on and makes himself comfortable, wrapping his ringed tail around his paws.

Another golden tom sighs from the side and reluctantly hands him a pair of round glasses at the grey tabby's request. Jayfeather put them on, and frankly, they wouldn't be of any use but it did make him look slightly more professional.

"And old," his brother Lionblaze muttered under his breath.

Jayfeather's sharp hearing caught it and he shot a quick glare to the golden tabby. Lionblaze sighed and walked back to stand behind the camera.

Jayfeather nodded and cleared his throat, straightening his posture for the camera.

"Ahem, now," he started, "since I basically have no life whatsoever and spend my days prancing around and collecting poop… Wait, _what_?"

Lionblaze started snickering from the side.

"Okay, I'm not following the script anymore!" Jayfeather exclaimed angrily. "Now, for the real introduction, welcome to Ask Jayfeather! Here, you may ask me any question you want and I'll answer. I may be lying, I may be telling the truth, or I may just be sleeping in a corner with an imposter posing as me. Either way, this is business and that's that."

"Hey, guys!" Lionblaze grinned and his giant golden head appeared just a whisker-length in front of the camera, jamming his muzzle onto the screen.

"Lionblaze, stop making the lens dirty!" a voice behind him growled loudly. "Do you know how much I paid for that thing?!"

"Sorry, he's just a bit cranky toda–I mean, always," Lionblaze whispered to the audience secretly. He backed away until his whole body was visible.

"Now, ever heard of a new thing called Private Messaging?" Lionblaze exclaimed eagerly, amber eyes sparkling. "Well, I haven't, so Jay, do the intro!"

Jayfeather sighed, eyes narrowing, again. He straightened up and put on a fake smile. "Now that my brother stops interrupting, I'm going to talk about something called Private Messaging, a.k.a. PM, on . I studied law for a bit—"

A scoff and some snickers were heard from behind the camera again.

"Well, I did!" Jayfeather snapped at his cameracat. "Well, apparently it's "illegal" for something called reviewers to submit questions through the review section, so instead, SUBMIT ALL YOUR QUESTIONS THROUGH PRIVATE MESSAGING. However, if you just wanna comment something funny or silly or stupid or about hating me and/or liking waffles, feel free to do so in a review. But questions MUST be sent through PM."

"Clear?" Jayfeather raised an eyebrow.

Lionblaze made an OK sign with his paw and a sheepish grin. Jayfeather brightened up a bit.

"Let the show begin!"


	2. Episode 1

"Lionblaze, just click that little thing at the top right corner!"

"What little thing?"

"That button! The one at your right! It's the red one, geez!"

"But all of them are red."

"That's it, I'm gonna fire you if you can't even learn to use a camera!"

"I just learned about cameras three sunrises ago! How am I supposed to learn that fast?"

"JUST CLICK THE FREAKING BUTTON!"

* * *

"Ahem," Lionblaze clears his throat and stands in front of the camera. "Welcome to the Ask Jayfeather sh—"

"Lionblaze, this is my show! Get out of the scene!" Jayfeather snaps. Lionblaze groans and grumbles about not getting enough lines or something and heads behind the camera again.

Jayfeather is sitting in the leather chair in the middle of the room-stage.

"Now, welcome to the Ask Jayfeather show," he introduces, shuffling some papers with his paws on the desk. "We've got a few questions today so I may as well answer them now. Remember, you can send as many questions as you'd like. Seriously, spam if you want but I'm not saying I'd necessarily like it."

He turns to his brother/cameracat, and whispers, "Lionblaze, get the questions!"

The golden tabby scampers off-stage for a moment and returns with a stack of papers. He pants and settles down behind the camera again, tilting it slightly so it focuses on Jayfeather.

"First question," Lionblaze begins. "Someone named birdshadow the bold asks you if you like waffles."

"Waffles?" Jayfeather makes a thinking position and stares off at the ceiling to pretend he is. "The orange food?"

"Um, I'm pretty sure they're considered golden, Jay," Lionblaze whispers to him, but him standing just beside the camera makes his voice loud enough for the audience to hear.

"No… they're more of a light orange," Jayfeather retorts.

"No, golden!" Lionblaze argues back. "What kind of waffle is orange? Seriously!"

"Okay, on with the show!" Jayfeather exclaims, throwing his paws in the air. He turns back to look directly into the camera, giving a nod. "And I totally like waffles."

"THEY'RE RAD, YO!"

"Lionblaze, get back behind the camera!" Jayfeather snaps again. Lionblaze groans over-dramatically and sits down obediently.

"Next question," the grey tabby prompts.

"I should get paid more," Lionblaze muttered. The golden tom brightened up as he read the next one.

"LightningClanWarriorFernshade asks, and I quote: 'I have a question! Ok, so I know he is a medicine cat and stuff, but he HAS to like a certain she-cat in the clan, doesn't he? So who is it?' And then she put this smiley emoticon that looks like this—"

Lionblaze imitated the emoticon with a wide grin with his face right in the camera.

"Lionblaze…" Jayfeather growls in warning. The golden cat goes and stands back to his spot.

Jayfeather sighs as the question registers. "Why does everyone ask about this? I really, honestly _don't_ like any cat in the clan. Not every cat needs a love interest, you know! And I don't have one. Never had, never will."

"Wait, what about that she-cat from the past that you told me about?" Lionblaze interrupts. "Er, what was her name? New Moon or something?"

"Half Moon!" Jayfeather corrects, a bit frustrated and seriously considering to fire his brother for another cameracat. "Not New Moon! What, have you still been reading the Twilight series?"

Lionblaze just smiles innocently at him.

"Wait…" Jayfeather eyes narrow. "How did you know about Half Moon? I didn't tell you that I… might've… kind of, _might've_, a teensy teensy tiny bit, liked her for a teensy teensy tiny while."

"Well, when you were asleep, you started mumbling things about—"

"Wait, _what_?!" Jayfeather's eye twitches and he looks like he's about to lunge out.

"Okay, next question!" Lionblaze laughs nervously and digs for the next one in the pile. "Hmm… Warriorfanwriter asks if you still miss Half Moon and if you wish you could love each other like mates."

Jayfeather sighs with a flash of longing in his eyes but he blinks and then it's gone and replaced with an indifferent expression.

"Well, I guess I still do miss her but I have more duties to tend to than spend my life hanging onto the memory of a dead she-cat," the grey tom says. "Maybe I did wish that we could love each other but now I realize that won't work, and it's not my main priority. Besides, I'm over her. Totally."

Lionblaze sighs. "Whatever you say, bro. Next question is from peaceloveandmooshrooms! First, do you like any she-cat? Second, why do you hate people ruining your herbs? And third, what is your opinion about elders?"

Jayfeather stares at the camera. "What is with them and me liking a she-cat? See above."

"Well, people are too lazy to scroll up again!" Lionblaze retorts. "Just answer! Come on, it's only one word."

"Fine…" Jayfeather gives in. "No. You guys have to understand that not every cat needs to find romance or something. And my love life is a failure, so there."

"Well, you're not exactly the most likeable, so…" Lionblaze trails off as he sees his brother glaring at him.

"Anyway, second question," Jayfeather continues. "I'm not sure about what you mean by "people", but if you mean cats ruining my herbs, it's because I worked hard to sort them and find them! If you have to work to find them and clean them and sort them, wouldn't you be irritated if some cat just messes it all up? Besides, herbs save cats and they're very important. Third question about elders… they're frustrating to deal with, that's what. Although Firestar was technically extremely old before he died too, but he was okay."

"Last question for today is from warriorcatsfan1!" Lionblaze says with a small smile. "They ask whether you prefer pancakes or waffles."

"Waffles for the win," Jayfeather exclaims. "Every cat knows that!"

"Ditto!" Lionblaze gives a paws up.

The grey tabby spins his chair around a bit to be directly facing the camera again and gives a small wave.

"That's it for now. If you want to know anything else, just submit your questions!"

Lionblaze grins widely into the camera before it shuts off to black.

"Lion and Jay, over and out."


	3. Episode 2

"That's it, Lionblaze, I really _am_ going to fire you if this continues!"

"I'm sorry! The ice cream was so delicious! I didn't know it would drip!"

"Just turn the camera on and get on with the show!"

"Okay…"

* * *

Lionblaze holds the camera and stands behind it while Jayfeather walks up to the center of the room. He sits down on his chair and moves some papers out of the way, resting his front paws on the table in front of him.

"Welcome to another episode of Ask Jayfeather," the grey tabby introduces. His ear twitches. " And let's pretend we hear some cheers in the distance or something. Now," he hints to Lionblaze, "we'll start with the questions."

The golden tom rushes to the side and grabs today's questions, all neatly printed on papers and in perfect order until he ruined them. Jayfeather groans and starts considering the options of hiring a new assistant and cameracat. But Lionblaze interrupts his thoughts as he starts reading the first question.

"Questions from peaceloveandmooshrooms again," Lionblaze reads, putting on glasses and examining the paper. "First question: have you ever played truth or dare?"

Jayfeather narrows his unseeing blue eyes.

"If I haven't, I wouldn't have gotten stuck in a pink tutu, now would I?!" Jayfeather snaps, irritated at bringing that up again. He glares at Lionblaze.

"Calm down, Jay," Lionblaze sighs and gives a sheepish laugh. "Next question: who do you like more, Seedkit or Lilykit?"

Jayfeather considers it for a second. He flicks his tail and shakes his head. "I honestly can't answer that. I'd say I like them both equally. I can't choose between two kits."

"Hey, I saw you secretly give that mouse to Lilykit!" Lionblaze argues.

"Shut up! Next question!"

Lionblaze shrugs and looks at the next one. "You're not gonna like this."

"What?"

Lionblaze takes a deep breath and replies, "Last question from peaceloveandmooshrooms: do you like Willowshine?"

"GREAT STARCLAN, DANG IT!"

"Oh, just answer!"

"No, I don't like any she-cat! Can't anyone understand that?"

Lionblaze threw away the paper. "Guess not." He reached for the new ones. "Birdsong33 has three questions, and nothing about your love life!"

Jayfeather throws his paws in the air and sighs. "Thank you!"

Lionblaze begins, "If there was a giant waffle in the middle of camp one morning, and nobody else saw it, what would you do?"

Jayfeather puts on a big smile and answers in a sweet voice, "Well, of course I'd share it with my dear brother Lionblaze!"

Lionblaze stares in horror at him. "JAY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!"

"Okay, fine, I'd eat it by myself!"

Lionblaze taps his tail against the floor. "That's more like it." He looks at the next question and his amber eyes widen. "What in StarClan?! Why would any cat think of doing that?!"

Jayfeather twitches an ear and gazes at the tom. "What is it?"

"Why haven't you fired Lionblaze yet? I'd personally get Hollyleaf to do it, she's WAY more obedient!" Lionblaze sticks his tongue out at the camera.

Jayfeather fell silent and hummed to himself. "Hmm… not a bad idea…"

Lionblaze's orbs stretch wide. "Wait, Jay, are you seriously going to–"

"Next question!"

The golden tom makes puppy-dog eyes, but eventually says the last question, "On a rating of 1 to 10, how much does this question annoy you?"

Jayfeather looks up at the ceiling, as if getting his thoughts from there.

"Hm. Probably 1,000."

"Well, aren't you just pleasant?" Lionblaze rolls his eyes, but his gaze brightens again as he reads the next questions.

"Sent in by XxSilverslashxX," Lionblaze begins, " this user asks: did you ever eat a scone? Do you like ice cream? And why are you so grumpy?"

Jayfeather furrows his brows in confusion. "What in StarClan is a scone?"

"I think it's some kind of food," Lionblaze thinks aloud. "Or else why would you eat it?"

"Let's hope it's food," Jayfeather sighs. "No, I haven't. I'm only beginning the road to Twoleg food, don't rush me!"

Lionblaze shrugs. "So, do you like ice cream?"

Jayfeather glares at the camera, which was now covered in melted ice cream which Lionblaze had not been able to scrub off from his snack from earlier.

"No, but I know _someone_ who does," Jayfeather growls.

"What? They're really good!"

"Oh, well. I'll probably replace you with Hollyleaf later when I call her in StarClan," Jayfeather face-paws. "Anyway, what's the third question again?"

"Why are you so grumpy?"

Jayfeather's right eye twitches. He flicks his ear and taps his tail against the chair. Then he explodes.

"I AM NOT GRUMPY!"


End file.
